Apologies for the long silence, I’ve been very ill and going through a lot of things. I’ve been thinking about things, and I asked myself ‘what is depression?’
Depression is a killer.
It controls you. It controls your life.
You live in a black hole and feel nothing.
I got driven to extremes just to feel. Cutting, drinking, smoking. I was sick of feeling lost. At least I could forgot I was lost when I felt the pain or the highs.
It’s an experience that you can’t always describe. And that’s all I seek to do in this blog.
Depression is one thing that made me very suicidal at one point. I still on occasion get those lows. I feel like life isn’t worth living, and that all I am is a burden to those around me.
‘But why would you think that? You’re planning a wedding, you have three nephews who love to spend time with you, you have a big family who care for you.’
That means nothing. I say this not to insult anyone, but you struggle to see the good parts. You see the cock-ups, the downsides, the problems you cause.
I’m 26 years old, I still live with my parents because I can’t afford to move out again just yet. I can’t handle any more than 30 hours a week at work, or I collapse and become ill. I can’t progress much more at work because I simply can’t handle the pressure. I feel like a child in an adult’s body. I can’t handle the real world in a way that most people can. It’s easy to dismiss the notions of a person. Saying that it’s easy to look at things differently.
It’s easy to tell someone to just look at things differently. Doing it in practice is incredibly difficult. Try looking at things objectively is hard enough when you aren’t suffering from the deep cesspit of despair.
I don’t know what I hope to achieve with my life. I try and think about the future and I feel worthless, because I can’t see myself doing anything else. I can’t handle management, I can’t progress out of the basic administrative roles I’ve been doing since before university because I cannot simply handle the stress. Imagine waking up in the morning and having to talk yourself out of bed because you are unable to continue improving yourself at work. Because for people with depression, you can’t always see the good. You see the rain, not the rainbow. You see the things that make you a burden. And sometimes, that just gets too much.